I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Randomize
