he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
