WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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