I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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