youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
