New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
How does one acquire holy water?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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