the day after is always just damage control
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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