you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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