I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
