96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
