shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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