At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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