so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
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