i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
