literally had 100 drinks last night.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
