I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
