he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
