Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
