I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
