Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
