i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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