so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
