Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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