please come you make the beer taste better
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Who died my cat blue again?
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