Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I just googled if crying burns calories
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
