That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
