everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
