I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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