seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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