i think my mom watched the whole time
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
