please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
