My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
