What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
