they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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