Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
This toilet bowl is my home.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
