I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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