Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Randomize
