Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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