Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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