I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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