If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
