Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
