Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
