i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
