I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
