just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
