I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
