i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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