Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
