I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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