I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
