I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
