I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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