We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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