naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
