I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
