My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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